My Handsome (Onery) Little Men

Weekend Fun

On Saturday, we went to a BBQ with some of Bob's co-workers down in Opelika, AL.  The weather was warm enough for swimming, but cool enough that we could sit out on the porch comfortably.  There was eating, canoeing, swimming, and shooting.  Needless to say, my kids had fun ... largely because we got out of the apartment, which is big enough but confining.

Because I got so many pictures I really like, I will break them up into several posts. I'm not terribly good at recognizing in the moment how awesome and beautiful and amazingly talented my kids are, but these pictures help me to remember it.

 One of the daughters made this "chain mail" vest.  Yes, those are the tabs from soda cans.

I love this picture with the weapon and the purse.  Awesome!

Seen on a Church Billboard

What on earth are you doing for Heaven's sake?

(It's one of my little quirks: I like looking at church signs, looking for the creative ones.  I have a whole new pool of signs these days.  Rock on!)

And There's More ... or Less?

Even though I really didn't want to leave the house yesterday, I also managed to drag myself, with Sam in tow, over to Weight Watchers at 8 (flippin') o'clock in the morning.  My first meeting.

There was less of me to report in.  That's a good thing.

Sam cried the entire time.  Until I bought him snacks.  Then he stopped crying, but wouldn't let me put him down.

I ran into a new friend from church (and quilting) there.  That made me smile.

I am really glad I went.  I got several good ideas (write the points value on all the food you have in the house, because sometimes looking it up in the moment doesn't sound like such a good idea).  I met a man who'd lost 155 lbs!  Clearly, he has far more self-control than I do.  I have 50 lbs to go, and some days it feels like an insurmountable mountain.  But I'm super committed!  I have been so good since last Friday.  I have counted every point, and shunned the worst of the worst.  Although.  I did buy a box of frozen Reese's Peanut Butter Cup treats at Sam's two days ago that remain unopened because I'm saving them.  For Family Home Evening.  They're new; it's good to try new things.  Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, and as a reward!  After all, even WW tells you not to make yourself feel deprived.  (And, no, I have absolutely NOT gotten around to calculating the points for those; don't be ridiculous!)  Anyway, I got a little distracted there...the point is I'm strong, I'm committed, I'm still excited. That's a good thing, too.

It's good to know I'm doing some of the right things to keep me functioning.  :)

Swimming Time, the Text

Well, I thought I attached my post to the pictures, but apparently not.  So here goes again.

Yesterday, the littles and I went to some new friends' house to swim.  They are folks from our ward who invited us over for dinner our 2nd Sunday here.  Had a very nice dinner, and Sariah and their little granddaughter hit it right off.  I hadn't really wanted to leave the house much yesterday...I've really been missing everyone...but we dragged ourselves out anyway--there really was no keeping The Diva from her play date.  I ended up being so glad we went.  It was such a comfort and a blessing to see Sariah and Sam taken in and mothered by this grandmother and her mother (the great-grandmother).  It's hard being so far from our Grammy and our Nanna.  But it's nice knowing there are people here who will cherish and love my little ones, too.

Swimming Time

Swimming Time

Waxing Eloquent ... on Middle School?

Lizzi's Open House at her school took place this evening.  I'm just going to say, in my excitement, that I could not be more pleased on a variety of levels.

Loved the structure--parents were escorted by their students through their bell schedule.  The teachers were friendly, open, and professional; didn't meet a single staff or teacher whom I didn't like.  The school was clean and functional and well-organized.  There wasn't the feeling of The Dread & Dreary Middle School.

Oddly, and Bob agreed when I mentioned it, the students at this school seem much younger than the middle schoolers where we were coming from.  I don't think I saw any inappropriate dress, and I noticed very little make up on the girls.  They seemed so fresh and clean instead of somewhat jaded.

It was just a really pleasing and pleasant experience overall.  I'm super excited to be a part of it, and especially happy for my kiddos.  Not so nervous about sending my boys to middle school after all.

It's the tender mercy of my day, I think.  And helps me to get over those what-have-we-done moments that still happen now and again. Lol!

Boring ... but then again ...

My days here have taken on a boring predictability that includes walking the dogs, changing diapers, cleaning up the apartment (again), grocery shopping, and making ourselves residents of Georgia.

I surrendered my Oklahoma driver's license on Friday.  It made me sad.  Especially after I saw the picture on my new license.  Lol!  On the up side, I was only in the department of driver services about 30 minutes with 2 small children.  Sam was apparently the entertainment of the day, running back and forth and creating mayhem, but he was too cute for anyone to get mad at.  Thankfully.

I joined Weight Watchers on Friday.  Again.  I am seriously committed this time, since I am having to take out of my grocery budget to pay for this.  I am excited to try the new program--I think it's more nutritionally accurate, in light of all the information that's come out in the last several years.  And after 5 days, I am now aware that I have been eating terribly in regards to quality and quantity.  Unfortunately, only 4 year olds have slimmed off trudging up and down the hill to the bus stop daily.  Oh to be younger!  I had a friend once tell me that once you hit about 30, it became much harder to keep weight off.  She was right.  I'm sure giving birth to 5 kids doesn't help much either.

We had a really great Family Home Evening last night about how during Christ's ministry, He not only went about preaching and teaching, but healing those around Him.  We are focusing in our FHEs more on the Savior's ministry.  We frequently tell our children to be like Jesus Christ, but I want to make sure we are teaching them what He was like.  We talked a lot about how to be like Christ in this aspect of healing--how our words and are actions should soothe and comfort others.  I used an article from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.  You can find the article here.

My favorite part came from the end of the article where the Atonement of Christ was addressed.  As much as we help and serve others, we are only to be instruments in His hands, and we are still ever-dependent on Jesus Christ for all that we are and have.  For someone who has been through some dark times in her life--both those caused by sin & error as well as those caused by a physical & emotional affliction of the mind--Elder Holland's words really found a place in my heart:

In spite of life’s tribulations, there is help for all of us on this journey. When Christ bids us to yield, to submit, to obey the Father, He knows how to help us do that. He has walked that way, asking us to do what He has done, but He has made it very much easier for our travel. He knows where the sharp stones and the stumbling blocks lie and where the thorns and the thistles are the most severe. He knows where the path is perilous, and He knows which way to go when the road forks and nightfall comes. He knows that because He has suffered “pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind … that he may know … how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:11–12). To succor means “to run to.” I testify that Christ will run to us, and is running even now, if we will but receive the extended arm of His mercy.

When we stagger or stumble, He is there to steady and strengthen us. In the end He is there to save us, and for all this He gave His life. However dim our days may seem, they have been a lot darker for the Savior of the world. As a reminder of those days, Jesus has chosen, even in a resurrected, otherwise perfected body, to retain for the benefit of His disciples the wounds in His hands and in His feet and in His side—signs, if you will, that painful things happen even to the pure and the perfect; signs, if you will, that pain in this world is not evidence that God doesn’t love you; signs, if you will, that problems pass and happiness can be ours. Remind others that it is the wounded Christ who is the Captain of our souls, He who yet bears the scars of our forgiveness, the lesions of His love and humility, the torn flesh of obedience and sacrifice.

There really isn't anything that needs to be added to that.  :)

Observations at Random

1. It's much more humid here.  I sweat all the flippin' time.
2. It's much cooler here.  And quite frankly, I'll take the cooler and humid to the Easy Bake Oven experience.
3. The library here isn't as kid-friendly as the one we came from.
4. The library here isn't as busy as the one we came from (that's a bonus when you have a toddler who takes off places whenever he feels like it).
5. AT&T is less. than. ideal. here.  They really made Bob mad.  They probably shouldn't have done that.
6. I hope that Verizon does us a little better.  And that we like our new toys.  Coming today.  I'm excited.  We picked Droids instead of iPhones.  Who knows!
7. The boys' open house at school was last night.  It was a little long and boring.
8. Back to school night wasn't nearly as cost intensive as where we came from.  Made me happy!
9. I'm really glad that I'm not a Pooper Scooper by trade.  Although.  Maybe getting paid for cleaning up multiple kinds of poop all day long might make it more worth it.
10. I can't wait for a yard for my dogs and my kids.
11. But the complex pool is nice.  Nice and cool.  Nice and fun.  Nice leverage against my kids' poor behavior.  Just sayin'....
12. I started a quilting class at church last night.  It's to make a nativity wall hanging.  It's going to be super cute.  Except that I picked the fabrics.  And everyone knows my color combos leave something to be desired.  Still, what fun.
13. Life is back to be a musical for Sariah.  It wasn't for awhile there, but she has started randomly bursting into song to narrate her life again.  It's all good.

All I'm saying is that there are ups and downs.  Today's going to be an up day.  I made my bed.  That makes everything better.  Oh yeah, and I'll probably get some chocolate.  Nevermind the beds; chocolate is what makes the world go round.  Hugs to all!

A Brief Essay on Drawling

So, "everyone" said that my kids would pick up a Georgia drawl out here, especially the two little ones.  I just didn't know how fast it would come on.  Caleb's started in.  The babies actually haven't, but that's because the only person they talk to is me.  And Lizzi!  Thank you, Georgia D., for teaching Lizzi to mimic accents.  She can talk like a true Georgia peach now.  It's fascinating to me how well she can do it.

Birthday Blues

I turned 36 on Saturday.  We spent from about 8 in the morning to 8 in the evening unloading our truck, dividing its contents between our apartment and our storage unit.  I don't think I've put in a full day's work like that ... um ... ever.  I was doing pretty good not remembering that it was my birthday and focusing on the task at hand, until about 5 o'clock, when I decided I was ready to be clean and have a sit down family dinner at Texas Roadhouse.  The problem with this was that the truck wasn't finished.

I settled for pick up from Five Guys.  Some new friends from church showed up to help, and we went back to work.  Finally got it all unloaded.  Now the mess was in the apartment.  The kids were cranky and feeling neglected (or put out that they had to babysit little ones all day long).

As we were trying to get everyone cleaned up and in bed, there was knockety-knock on our door.  It was late, about 9:30, and our complex is gated, so I figured it was a neighbor.  It was our Oklahoma church friends with cake and ice cream!  They'd jumped the freight fence and walked up to our apartment to make my day special (shh! don't tell anyone).  It made me cry.  Again.  It was just what I needed.

We are so thankful for the help that we had throughout the day.  Now we'll tackle more unpacking.  Yippee-skippee. 

This and That

I am feeling even more random than usual today, which is why I haven't gotten around to posting anything.  It's been more of a Facebook day than a blogger day.  You know what I mean?  The random snippets of thought that you can't really string together into a coherent order.  Does that mean I have some sort of attention deficit disorder?  Probably.  I've suspected it for awhile anyway--it's how I clean my house.  I try to get my chores done, but I end up doing them here and there and not finishing any one thing in order.  ADD, I guess.  No one would ever accuse me of ADHD (anymore).

My truck came!  I have plates and chairs.  Yeehaw!  The Scentsy box came in today, and I've already had one going.  Perfectly Pomegranate, yum!  Sam's high chair came in today, too.  He was so thrilled to see it.  It was dang cute.  He sat in it for an hour or so, just hanging out.  Then we ate dinner.  It's the first decent food we've gotten into him since we arrived here.  He gets too distracted when he's not tied down.  Wonder where he gets that from...?

Checked more stuff off my list today.  Renter's insurance.  Car insurance.  Guess I need to get me a driver's license soon.  Maybe some car tags, even.  And I absolutely cannot put off investigating the library any longer.  After all, I've almost finished reading the last book I bought (The Help, by Kathryn Stockett).  Time to run up some more fines.  Except I think I'm going to have to be good here, since the late charge for books is 25 cents a day.  Yikes!

Time for bed.  I can't even catch any of my random thoughts anymore.  Night, all.

A Very Happy Girl Am I!!

First Day Trauma Is for Babies ... and a Topic Hop

Apparently, I am the only one traumatized by the first day of school in a new place.  That's good news, right?

Well, emotional trauma anyway.  Rex came home from the 3rd grade with a real blue ribbon of a black eye.  He says someone ran into him.  Time to email the teacher?  I think so.  They supposedly tried to call me, which is probably true, but--oh my heavens, are we back to my phone service again?!?!

Everybody made it where they were supposed to and back again.  Everybody made it home with homework and more papers for me to fill out with information that I don't have...you know, like a local phone number or emergency contacts that don't live 5 states away.  Details!

If only I can find a preK for The Diva.

And in other news, you know what really fascinates me here?  After it rains on a day that's been hot, it's generally nice and cool (so far).  But the asphalt in the parking lot steams.  Dorky me, I kept looking for the source of the smoke at first.  It took me a little while, but I finally figured it out, and now it fascinates me.  I'd never seen that before.  Crazy!

Hannah started seminary today. An hour of scripture study in the morning, kinda like another high school course, before school starts with a bunch of other LDS teens.  They are digging right in with the Old Testament.  I should probably brush up...guess I have time on my hands right now.  :)

Yes, today is a better day.  Some days are harder than others, especially when your brain can't seem to produce the right amounts of the right chemicals.  And I heard moving was 3rd on the list of traumatic things to do with your life (preceding were the death of a loved one and divorce).  Anyhow, I've got my smile on again (the real deal, not a pasted on one), so all is well.

Hugs to all!

First Day

I'm still wondering from time to time what the freak I've done to my poor children by moving out here.

Today was the first day of school for the four oldest.  As with most places and situations, some things are better here and some things are worse.

For example, I am really struggling with how the schools communicate here ... or don't.  The bus stop for all the schools was at the same place at the same time.  But the buses didn't show up at the same time, and I'm sure I completely humiliated my middle schooler with my lack of info.  I was also the only mom out there because I had the boys and they are too young to find the bus stop themselves on the first day of school.  Lizzi's bus also involves some sort of switch somewhere along the way.  Gee, I sure hope she made it to the right school today.  Poor baby.

Meanwhile, it was Hannah's first day of high school.  She was a nervous wreck.  And I sent her in all by her lonesome.  At the wrong door.  The 9th graders here have their own building, but apparently (and again, I didn't get the memo) you still drop them off at the "big" building.

Oh my heck, my poor children!

And how am I supposed to be excited for Hannah's first day of high school when I'm worried sick about her?

I'm pretty sure this day is going to involve some chocolate.  Is it really only 10 am?

A Good Sabbath

So today's the day I have friends again. At least ones that I can reach out and touch (if not call--see my previous post) A bunch of people in this ward knew we were coming. Um...is that good or bad?

Sometimes you want new or philosophical things to think about from church. And other times, it means so much to walk in to a new ward in a different state and still know all the words to every hymn they sing. Or to go to testimony meaning and hear the testimonies borne and know that you still share so much with complete strangers because the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and good and His servants and angels are still on the earth today, here among us wherever we are, doing His work.

I miss my ward and friends and family back in the Midwest (not a term I've actually used until recently). A lot. But it was a comfort and a promise to go to church today. And I'm so grateful for it.

In fact, there were 2 standouts in my day to really reassure me that these moments of What-were-we-thinking?! will pass.

First, there is another new family here. They are from--get this--a different area of OKC. And if-we-get-the-house-we-want (we kind of say that all in one hopeful sort of breath), they will live right next door to us. That's kind of wicked crazy. (In a good sort of way.)

And second, there was a sister here who used to live in this ward and who moved away a few years ago because she knew that was what Heavenly Father wanted her to do. She said she felt kind of like she'd gone off the deep end but she knew she was supposed to do it. And in the end it truly was what she needed to do. It was the right thing for her and her family.

The jury's still out on our own deep end experience. But now my hope and faith are strengthened a bit. I guess Moses and Lehi wandered around in the wilderness for awhile, too.

Meanwhile, Sariah entertained her primary teacher today with the information that we have come to Georgia-Land (as she calls it) from our home in Norman, Kansas. Quite frankly, that's far less...um...revealing than I expected from my most honest and outspoken child. Ever.

And did I mention that the "little angel" went to primary without argument or tears for the first time...in months? What's that about anyway? I know a blessing when I see one!

So, if I babbled for a little while longer, Bob might be spared from a flood of words later tonight. But he's SUCH a good listener so I'll save some up for him. Because I am that thoughtful of a wife. :)

Georgia

So, at last we have internet.  I love my little iPhone, but I'm a full keyboard kinda girl, I guess.

Plus, my beloved little iPhone doesn't work so well out this way.  Apparently, AT&T is NOT the wireless carrier of choice, and for good reason, too.  Oh dear, I might have to get me a new, bigger, badder, more beloved little iPhone at a different carrier.  I am aghast at the possibility, I assure you.

Meanwhile, Georgia is treating us well.  On the day we left Oklahoma, the thermometer in my car read 113F.  What the heck!!  It was dryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and hooooooooooooooot.  My OK friends will probably wish to flay me for saying this, but when we pulled into our new area on Thursday at 3 in the afternoon, my car read 74F, and it was pouring down buckets of rain.  People here keep asking me how I feel about the heat, but I think we shouldn't have packed our sweaters on the moving van.  But for my OK friends, the day after it poured, it was 97F, and like about a million percent humidity.  Hot is hot, but there is something to be said for dry heat ... except when it causes fires which I hear have been pretty terrible, but I digress, I think....

And getting back to the moving van.  It was supposed to be here on Friday.  And I was supposed to have furniture in my snug little apartment today.  But alas, as of this morning, the truck was still in Little Rock.  Little Rock?!  So, we are still sleeping on air mattresses and sitting on the floor.

But what I miss most of all is my washer and dryer.  They were supposed to be here today, remember.  I've had to do laundry at the laundromat.  Haven't had to do that in about 12 years.  Ugh, ugh, ugh.  Haven't had to climb stairs with all my groceries in about that long either ... fortunately, we are actually climbing down the stairs so it doesn't seem nearly so horrible.  And maybe I'll lose a few pounds (hahahahahaha).

Church tomorrow.  I am so looking forward to having friends again.  I must confess I have been a little lonely.  I had hoped to be able to call all my favorite people when I was feeling blue, but alas, my wireless carrier is flaky.  Must remedy that soon.

Post comments if you love me.  Because I seriously miss all you guys.  :(

Is this how you get a title?

Just curious.

Sent from my iPhone

And posting by text. Isn't it amazing what new options can do for your outlook? :)

I decided it's time to update my blog. But I've gotten distracted by experimenting with the settings, like posting by email. Fun stuff.

Sent from my iPhone

Notes and Some Conclusions

I took some notes at Time Out for Women.  These aren't direct quotes, and some of my notes are quotations from other people that I simply paraphrased.  So, truly, these are my impressions and my impressions alone.  Sometimes I take accurate, perfect notes ... and sometimes I try to write what the Holy Ghost is whispering to me in my head.  These notes are something of a cross of those two ends.

• Get down on your children's level--physically--cradle their cheeks as the Savior would--love them as the Savior would.
• Remember who your children really are.  Remember who you really are.  Remember who the Savior really is.
• Make holiness more of a part of your life...even when it's crazy.  Pick one thing to be more holy in--one mom picked being more holy in buckling her 4 small children into their carseats, something that really stressed her out.  Find little moments of holiness--Choose to be holy.
• What can I do to feel more holiness with my children?  How would a holy woman do this?  How can I take the Savior with me in my daily routines?
• Don't focus on your weaknesses.  People are happier when they pursue their strengths.  You are happy when you are doing what you love.Search for your opportunities, strengths, and gifts.  Focus on positive things.  Find new and creative ways to use your strengths.
• Motivation follows action!  A proven life experience for me.  When I was younger and my kids were babies, sometimes the only way I could get up and moving was to force myself to fold one basket of laundry.  Until I did it, I couldn't function, but once I did it, my day and I improved rapidly.  Still true today--and easier to implement now that I know this about myself.
• Celebrate both successes and failures!  If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing badly because that's better than not doing it at all.  We need to teach our children that failure is not the end of the world.
• Don't endure to the end.  Life is not just to be endured.  Life is to be enjoyed.

There was so, so much more that sank deep into my soul where there are no words.  I want to give them room to grow.  

Time Out

I took a time out this weekend.  It was Time Out for Women in Oklahoma City.  It is not an event sponsored by my church.  But it is put on by Deseret Book, which produces all sorts of books and other media for LDS people.  TOFWs bring popular artists, authors and musicians, to us in a weekend conference form.

Honestly, I didn't want to go.  I didn't want to take the time.  I have like a bagazillion things to do in a relatively short amount of time.  But Bob insisted.  And so I went, and stayed overnight at the Renaissance with some of my dearest friends.

I am so glad I went.

When my older children were younger, time out for me often resulted in a greater longing for the peace and quiet which are never yours when you choose to become a parent.  Which led to a greater unhappiness deep within myself.  Which made me unhappy with everything around me.  Probably not such a happy cycle.  And no wonder my husband was frustrated with my time outs (and the consequences).

This weekend was not of that sort.  I went to the conference, relaxed, hung out with my friends, laughed and loved, and I really did feel like I got a recharge.  I came back home loving my life, grateful for what I have, and anxious to sink my teeth into it again.  What a difference!

Sam Turned One (a few weeks ago)

...but I didn't have a camera. So here are the party pics from my phone, followed by what we did on his birthday (ate hot dogs at Sam's Club).

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOklahoma!

...where the wind comes sweeping down the plains....

As I was preparing to run errands this morning, I decided to wear a baseball cap to keep my hair under control. The wind has been blowing nonstop for the last day.  Ha!  I couldn't even keep the hat on my head, the wind is so ferocious.

Fun times!

My Little Man

When Little Man isn't busy staring forlornly at the big kids, this is what he does with his time.  He loves balls just the right size for his hands, and he growls at you if you take them away.  And he loves chasing things around the floor--the latest obsession is these little Chevron cars.  He's funny with them because they roll a lot better than the rubber blocks he was chasing around, so gets mad at the cars when they get away from him, and growls at them, too.  Super cute!  (Sorry about the picture quality--my phone doesn't do motion very well, and Sam is constantly in constant motion.)

Little Brother

Sometimes it's rough being the little brother.

And yes, my windows are filthy.  Don't judge.

Library

Sam and Sariah and I have been spending a lot of time at the library.  It's one of my favorite places to be, and I'm pleased to say it's one of their favorites, too.  Sam, especially, loves it.  He was thrilled to go to baby story time, and is especially happy now that he can pull up on things so he can reach the trains (not the cars! and not the beads!!).  It makes me smile.

Happy Birthday, Caleb!

I had to send my camera in to be repaired at Nikon.  I'm really missing it.  My phone photos will have to do for now.

I can't believe my firstborn son is 10 already.  It's crazy.

He got a new bike for his birthday (now he can stop riding mine ... because I ride mine ALL the time) and a pink shirt (it's currently his favorite color).

Why I Tell

Several people have asked me why I am so open about my mental illness.  Some people ask me out of genuine curiosity.  Some ask me for my own protection.  Some don't ask at all; they just look at me funny.  You know, like I'm ... crazy.

When we first had a name for what was going on (the big D, Depression), I did not want to tell people for several reasons.  One, there is still a stigma out there that people with mental illnesses are whack jobs.  Two, my very own brain had betrayed me by failing to work the way it should.  I wanted to be happy, but my traitor brain chemicals prevented me from doing so, no matter how flippin' hard I tried.  And believe me, I tried.  What a miserable, imperfect failure I was, and I didn't need people knowing the extent of that.  And three, taking head meds is "bad."  Bad, bad, bad.  Meds are even worse than having a therapist/shrink/whatever.  You don't need medicine to snap out of it and choose to be happy.  Get your chin up, your head outta the sand, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, suck it up, everybody's gotta deal with it.  Read your scriptures and pray; that'll heal you.  Or so "They" say, on and on and on.  Just imagine if you had a heart attack or an asthma attack, and as you were gasping for breath, "They" told you to suck it up and will it away!  Gee, that sure is helpful.  Not.  I didn't want to go in for that sort of punishment, especially since I was already pretty good at berating myself for things I couldn't control.

However, the longer I stayed on my meds, the more I realized how sick I had actually been.  No, I sure didn't think, "I want to kill myself."  But I did think, "My kids would be better off without me."  I wasn't as severely ill as some people can be; I still got out of bed everyday and fed myself and my kids.  That was probably all I did, but I did do that.  I cried all the time.  And when I got angry, I felt like a blood vessel in my head was going to burst.  Or 9 or 10.  If I were my husband (which, fortunately for me, I am not), I would have divorced me.  I know my children avoided me at times, and they were far too young to be avoiding their mommy.

It was hell on earth.  My own personal hell that spread out and cast shadows on everyone around me.  And I didn't even know I was in it, and that everyone else dear to me was in it with me.

So, when I began taking medication and started to step back into the light, it felt so wonderful and warm and beautiful.  I felt so loved.  That's when I realized that Heavenly Father had certainly heard my prayers and answered them ... it just took me awhile to figure out what the answer was.  My medicine is my miracle.  I don't know that medicine is for everyone, but it's what works for me and my family.  Over time, I have added in other elements, ranging from supplements to managing my personal habits.  The most important thing is that I have sought treatment and healing, and have been able to reclaim my life the way I want to live it: joyfully.

No one should walk through that valley and feel so very, very alone.  It's lonely to feel hopeless and helpless. It's distressing disturbing despairing devastating to know at some level that you are the missing piece of the puzzle, and you have no idea how to put it back because you have no idea where to find yourself.  Nobody should walk that road alone.

I can't fix anybody else's head, heart, or mind.  But I can be that little light along the way so that even just one Somebody Very Important knows that someone else has been there, too, and has emerged, and is making a go of it.  It's a fleeting little piece of hope to that Somebody Very Important, but it might be the only hope they have, especially when they are too despondent and too heavy-laden to just keep trying in the face of unyielding darkness.

And the funny thing is, you never know who needs that little piece of hope.  When I first started telling people, many of them would say something along the lines of, "But you are so happy!  You never seemed bad.  I would have never guessed."  So many people with depression have such a good "company face" that you would never guess.  When my cousin's husband killed himself, nobody would have ever guessed.

That's why I tell people I have a mental illness, and it's called depression.  You never know.  You might never guess.

And it may be that my telling the entire world will only help one person, but that's enough for me to give up some selfish pride.  Everybody needs a little light somewhere along the way.  I'm not going to withhold that from that one Somebody Very Important who needs it so desperately.

Spring Fever, Tracky Style

It's spring, officially and in fact (for the most part).  My daffodils are blooming, and they make me smile every day.  We can go outside without an extra layer.  The kids come in after hours playing, and they smell like sunshine.  We can open the windows in the bedroom at night when we sleep, which is my favorite way to sleep. I love spring.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I hate spring.  I have my own personal brand of spring fever, and it makes me crazy (certifiably so).  For whatever "freak of nature" reason, my depression flares up pretty good in the spring.  See, most people who have seasonal bouts with depression have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which essentially means that in the fall/winter when the light fades and the temperatures go down, depression rears its ugly head.  Sometimes light therapy is used to treat SAD.  And when things warm up, and the sun starts coming around more, they get better.

But me?  I didn't happen to wind up with something so predictably normal.  Oh no!  When spring comes around here, I get spring fever.  But it's not the get-up-and-get-moving-go-outside kind.  It's the kind where I want to crawl in bed and hibernate.  What am I supposed to do about that?  Get more sun?  I put it on my list every year when the time changes, but funny, it doesn't help.

It took my husband and me many years to figure out that I have a flare up of my depression every spring.  I've spent the last few years trying to figure out why it happens.  Sometimes I think it's allergies.  I don't have a lot of allergies, but they do flare up occasionally, particularly in the spring (it's the darn trees that I think are so beautiful).  I do try to take allergy medicine in the spring months for this reason.  ...Or maybe since I've had all my babies in the spring, my body has just decided it's 7-9 months pregnant come March and should act appropriately--I mean, what gonna-pop-any-day-mama isn't irritable and moody, right?  ...Or maybe my kids' activity levels go up and it wears me out.  ...Or maybe it's all 3.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.

The fact remains that I still have to cope with it, because I haven't figured out how to prevent it (and apparently the experts haven't either, according to the Mayo Clinic).  Because my depression is generally so well controlled throughout the year, I have developed a tendency to forget how bad it was during those 5+ untreated, unmedicated years of depression.  But in the spring, I remember.

• I remember how grumpy it makes me to be grumpy.
• I remember how little, irrelevant, minuscule things can make me cry, and I remember how deeply I am capable of feeling truly sad things.
• I remember what it's like to wake up worrying and not be able to go back to sleep.  Even when life is good, like it is now.
• I remember how spilled milk can become a reason for everyone in the household to cry.  Mainly because Mom loses her cool.  Over.  Spilled.  Milk.
• I remember what it's like to be constantly irritable, and not really know what it is that's so irritating.
• I remember what it's like to want to be a good mother, but to put the effort in feels like I'm carrying around the weight of the world on my shoulders, and what it's like to feel like a miserable failure at being a mother, even as I put a healthy dinner on the table and read bedtime stories.
• I remember what it's like to wonder if there's light at the end of the tunnel.  How I ever made it through those years when I didn't know there was light, I will never know.  It's hard enough now, when I can tell myself repeatedly that "this, too, shall pass--in June, in June, in June!"
• I remember what it's like to pray, and wonder if anyone is really listening, or if I'll ever feel the Spirit again.

It's a small taste of what those 5 years were like.  It's not fun.  But it's so much easier than those dark years when we didn't know what was going on, or how to handle it, or if anything would ever be better again.  And I am so grateful, not only for the things and the people that pulled me out, but for the experience itself.  It's kind of like tasting the bitter so that you can know the sweet.  It makes my babies' big moments sweeter, and my husband's patient kindness more beloved, and my friends' and family's devotion more precious to me.

In the mean time, the point of this post is that I try to cut myself a little slack in the spring, so if I don't blog so much, it's okay.  I don't have to be perfect at it.  My mental health is more important that that.  Please be patient with me.

Update

My divorce from peanut butter remains in effect.  I've lost some weight.  I can't go back there any time soon.  I still miss it.  Sometimes I stand in front of the cabinet door, debating with myself about whether I'm staying on the bandwagon.  But I NEVER open the door, because then the battle would be over.  My kids and the neighbor kids think I'm a little loony, but really, if it's working I can't stop it.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Break Up

Dear Peanut Butter,

That's it!  We're through.  I'm breaking up with you.  In the words of those great philosophers, Rascal Flatts, "I don't wanna see you anymore/I'm just not that strong/I love it when you're here/But I'm better when you're gone/Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease release me!"  You are very, very bad for me, and we can't keep going this way.  I must give you up entirely or face my certain doom.  I made it all day yesterday without you.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  Even when I was driven to stress eating (yes, I'm an emotional eater) by my 3-year-old who refused to go to bed last night and I couldn't resist the sugar anymore, I chose Lemon Chalet Cremes (I don't even want to know what's in those, but it's not my beloved PB) instead of Tagalongs which are filled with nothing but you.  And I survived.  I can do this.  Please don't take it personally.  We're just not right for each other.  Don't call me.  Don't wait.  I can't come back any time soon.  This is it.  This is good-bye.

Love,
Me

What I've Learned

I have sporadically been monitoring what I eat with livestrong.com for the last few weeks.  And I've learned a lot more than I thought I would.  Please be patient with this post.  I get so excited about it that I get a little scatterbrained.  Because I am never ever scatterbrained otherwise.  No, really.

I've done the Weight Watchers thing, and I loved it.  About 4 years ago (right before I decided to have 2 more babies and by default gain 40 lbs.), I lost about 30 lbs with Weight Watchers.  And on and off again, over those years I've used their online food tracking system.  I thought it was pretty decent, although I had some issues with user-friendliness.

The livestrong thing has its pros and cons, but it certainly answers to my user-friendly issues, and for some reason, I had an easier time dealing with my emotional issues with this than the WW.  One thing I learned from WW is that when you are tracking your food, you have to think of it as a tool which enables you to know yourself and make necessary changes.  You can't look at it as the food police putting limits on you, and you can't be afraid to monitor your food choices, good or bad.  You kind of have to take the emotions out of it.  When I tracked my food before, I'd hit my limit for the day and give completely up.  I think because my new tracker breaks things down into a little more detail it was easier for me to look at my choices a little more objectively.  Anyway.  Whatever.  It's all rationalization and gets me farther away from the point I'm really trying to make here.

So, I learned a lot more about what I eat than I did with WW.  With WW (under the old points system, not the one they've come out with this year, in all fairness), I was counting my points (essentially calories) and trying to stay within my range.

With my new-to-me tracker, I've learned that even when I'm staying within the calorie goals I've set for myself, I eat a lot, a lot, a lot of fat.  True, it's better-for-you fat than I used to eat; I've spent some time trying to get partially hydrogenated oils out of our cabinets.  But still, it's a lot of fat.  Way more than the recommended 30% of your calories.  I'm sure that eating peanut butter by the spoonful has nothing whatsoever to do with this.  Even though this should have been really obvious to me, this was a real revelation for me.  I thought I was being good (except for the PB), but I wasn't.

Then, combine that whole fat thing with the realization that I don't get nearly enough fiber.  Not even close.  Not that this is really a shocking realization since I tend to crave refined carbs and avoid fresh vegetables.  But still.  I need more fiber.

And, and, and I get way too much salt.  (Fluid retention, anyone?)  Again, this shouldn't be a shock to this American since we hear about all three of these issues regularly.  Still, though, I thought I was doing so good.

AND (this might seem totally random, but it's a big deal to me since I am an avid milk-drinker) did you know that Braum's fat-free milk, which we buy because it's BGH free, has 50 MORE CALORIES per cup than other brands of fat-free milk?  I sure didn't until about 2 weeks ago.  How does that work anyway?  It creates a dilemma for me.  Another reason we buy from Braum's is because a gallon of milk there costs the same as a half gallon of organic milk at Wal-Mart or Target.  When your family of 8 goes through 4 gallons of milk a week, that's a whole lotta $$$ (upwards of $55/month).

And suddenly, voila!  No wonder I stay put at my current weight.  Not to mention that my exercise program has gone completely out the window. 


Soooooo, I am now going to work really hard at altering my food choices.  This won't be easy.  Expect whining.  And crying.  I'm such a wuss, and so in love with food.  But I gotta do this.  Wish me luck!

Gorgeous!

Do I not have the most fabulously beautiful girls ever!?  All of a sudden they aren't little girls any more.  They are young women.  It's crazy!  We enrolled Hannah at the high school a couple of weeks ago.  It was all I could do not to cry.  My time with them has been so much shorter than I ever anticipated, and I spend a lot of time wondering if we've taught them well enough, and if they know how much we love them.  But one thing I know for sure: these beautiful ladies are as amazing to me today as the day they were born.

Accountability Check

Congratulations--you are all highly motivational!  I got everything on my list done.  It's true, I took my walk at 7:30 in the evening, and I only read my scriptures because I was driven to seeking something peaceful by one of my contentious children.  BUT I did get everything done.

I reset the goals for myself yesterday.  Unfortunately, with 2 sick babies and mama coming down with something, too, that didn't go so well.  More luck/planning today, I hope.  :)

It's All about Accountability

So I'm not doing so well on some of my goals these days.  There are a variety of reasons for which this could be.  But I think I'm going to have to quit leaning on my stash of excuses and start being accountable.  And you, my faithful readers, have just become the people to whom I'm going to be accountable.Whether you want to be or not.

Today, I'm going to:

1. Drink all my water.  Instead of doing it all before bed because I was so flippin' thirsty at that point that I didn't care that I'd be up and down all night long.  I surely do care this morning.  I'm one glass down and seven to go.
2. Read my scriptures.
3. Take a walk in my neighborhood.
4. Track what I eat at my new favorite website, livestrong.com.  Where I have already tracked my one glass of water.  On to breakfast.

I could plan to do so much more, but a) I want to be successful (baby steps, people), and b) baby Sam is running a fever and I'm not sure how that's going to pan out around here.  He was pretty clingy yesterday.

Wish me luck.  This seems like such a short list, but I'm such a procrastinator.

And...

...here's where I try to win a prize from Maggie Stiefvater.  I haven't had any books checked out from the library for a bit now because I have that wacky goal to read through the scriptures (don't ask how that's going, k? although with this little prize, I am motivated to read much more diligently, lol!).  Anyway, last year I read these 2 books, and I'm eagerly awaiting the third (must finish the scriptures by July 12 so I can indulge):

They are werewolf books, and I really enjoyed them.  I'm of the Jacob persuasion (Team Edward is bad), so I was excited about these, and they didn't let me down.  At first I was a little worried they'd be Twilight wannabes, but they take on a life of their own, and I really enjoyed them--wait! I said that already.  My girls read them and liked them.  Bob even read them.  But he didn't like them.  Not enough action.  I thought there was plenty.  Whatever, Bob.  (wink!)

Meanwhile, although I have banned myself from books until my little goal is accomplished, I have not banned myself from blog-reading.  I've been keeping up with Maggie Stiefvater's blog--she's humorous, multi-faceted and down-to-earth.  Which means she's stayed in my google reader despite my short attention span for blogs of people I don't know personally.  You should check her out~~she'll keep you smiling.

(And now that I've mentioned this in my blog, I can enter her contest.  LOL!  Because the books she is giving away are very motivational for reading my scriptures.)

Query

Does my home teacher have some weird 6th sense about coming to my house.  I've kept it relatively straightened for 2 or 3 weeks.  But he decided to come over today.  And my house was completely thrashed.  The family has been home all weekend, and Bob and I spent Saturday doing some home improvement projects.  We cleaned up some this morning, but this afternoon I was exhausted and laid down to take a nap.  You know what happens with little mice when the cat's away....

Now don't get me wrong here.  I'm thrilled that my home teacher comes over, and I rather he came to a thrashed house than not at all.

But after all these years, he probably still doesn't know that I do know how to have a clean house.

I just don't do it all the time.  Is there something wrong with me?  Why can't I keep my house presentable a large majority of the time?

And P.S., in defense of my H.T., he almost always makes appointments.  In fact, he made one today, but before he left for the airport,  somebody neglected to tell me that he'd told our H.T. he could come over whenever today.

But now I'm going to have to defend SOMEBODY, who was busily dealing with my drama that started out as the girls' drama because the boys won't fess up to something.

Wait, no wonder my house isn't clean!  I spend 24/7 trying to make world peace.

It's been a long day.  Can you tell?

Now What?

Obviously, I've been keeping myself busy.  With all sorts of things.  Like this....

She tripped and fell off the trampoline.  Our net is disreputable right now.  Not for long, though.

And this...

I'm going through my file cabinet.  So far I've removed 17 inches worth of paper or approximately 28-1/2 pounds.  My file cabinet will probably float away from being unburdened.  I'm very proud of myself over this.  *I* feel lighter.  Woohoo!

I'm So Proud

They're for Sariah, and they cost me $2.40.  She didn't really want them at first until she realized her big sister had similar shoes.  Now she really likes them.  And I do, too.

Yummy!

(**My camera is broken, and my phone doesn't take the most fabulous pictures.  But it's all I've got.  And besides Sam's pretty cute no matter the camera!)

We finally found some food Samuel gets excited about.  Homemade mac and cheese.  I took a lot of pictures.  But it's just that he was so yummy while he was eating all that good stuff.  Check it out.

And just so you can share in our life experiences, take a good look at Sam's hairstyle.  People are starting to ask us if we've deliberately cut his hair in a mohawk.  As if.

It's a Great Day!

And I'm going to tell you why:

• My taxes are completed, filed, and we are now awaiting our refunds.  Which are probably already spent (but that's another post).
• Sariah slept all night in her own bed last night!!!  And we were able to put a sticker on her chart, and she could get something out of the pink treasure box today.  When she sleeps in her own bed all night long 2 times, she can have something from the blue treasure box.  So, I'm desperate.  It's what happens when you are sleep-deprived, and it's NOT because of your infant.
• The kids went back to school today!!!!  Nevermind that they will probably be home again on Wednesday and Thursday if the weathermen are accurate.
• Hannah and Lizzi are trying out contacts.  Excitement all the way around here.
• I have made a new resolution that I am really excited about.  It's been a very long time since I've read my scriptures all the way through.  Sooooo...I am returning all my library books for now (have no fear, I have a list of what I will need to check out again later), and I'm not going to check out any more books until I've read my scriptures all the way through.  I figure at the very least I'll be saving myself a chunk of change in library fines.  :)  Wish me luck and speed ... well, and most of all, a spiritual experience.

Snowmageddon 2011

Or, as Bob prefers to call it, The Never-Ending Saturday.

It's been sleeting/blizzarding/snowstorming/snowing/icing since Monday evening.  This is the 4th day in a row that the kids have been out of school.  I don't even want to hazard a guess as to how the school district will make up these days.  It was too cold for the kids to have much fun.

It's snowing again today.  Nice fat, white, fluffy flakes.  It's gorgeous!  You can't even tell that Bob and the kids shoveled the driveway yesterday.

Too bad we're ready for some good spring weather again.

Like our snow shovel?  It was our Christmas present.  A nice metal one, as opposed to plastic, which doesn't always work so well when you are dealing with ((re)re)melted snow & ice.

The forecast for the weekend?  A nice warm day in the 30s tomorrow.  Just warm enough to melt some of the snow.  And then it will ice back up over night, and then guess what?  More snow.  I'm starting to think we've been transplanted.....

The Best Things

So, last night, I was peeling off the disgusting layers of a head of lettuce when I found myself remembering why my best friend is my best friend.  An interesting connection, you would say.  I just happened to remember way back when I was pregnant with Caleb, I needed to clean out my refrigerator, and I knew there was a truly nasty unsalvageable head of lettuce in a Tupperware container.  My pregnant nose and gag reflex couldn't bear even the thought of opening it, and so when my friend came over, she disposed of it for me.  That's a good friend!

And when I was holding Sam the other night in the rocking chair, I remembered that my friend's little boy was just this age when they started visiting my little apartment and he would spend all of his time wanting to gnaw the top knob on that same rocking chair.  I didn't have any kids then, but since then they've all tried doing the same thing.  Poor chair.

She has come when I've called her because I thought I was going to string my kids up and taken them away for an hour.  She's talked to me at 1 in the morning when I couldn't figure out how to get down from whatever ledge I'd trapped myself on.  She's been my donut fairy, my babysitter, my medical/financial/educational/parental advisor, my sanity and my saving grace.

Don't get me wrong--I don't think either one of us are saints.  We have had (and I'm sure will have more) ups and downs.  But sometimes you count your blessings, and you find out there's a huge blessing staring you in the face, whom you talk to every day, and who makes your life as wonderful as it is.  She's the hardest working, most talented woman I know, and I'm so grateful she's a part of my life.

Thanks!

What We've Been Up to

Well, there was the grass fire in the field across the street.  That's enough to make you assess your emergency preparedness and count your many blessings.  No damage to our property. And I'm so grateful for the fire department who kept the fire at bay, stayed overnight SEVERAL nights to make sure everything burned out, and kept all the cars out of our neighborhood during the worst of it.

The remaining stench was especially disappointing in light of the fact that the grass fire was followed by 3 days of FABULOUS weather.  It was WARM, and it was the kind of weather that makes you throw your windows open and anticipate the deliciousness of spring.  Except that we couldn't throw our windows open because of the all-permeating (over)burnt cedar smell of fall.  Bummer.

And now: Snowmageddon.  Except that, IMHO (in my humble opinion, for the technologically illiterate), the blizzard in 2009 was much worthier of the title.  Of course, I was sound and snugly asleep last night when the worst of it blew in.  But still.  It's snow.  And it's freakin' cold.  But we've done that before.  And probably will again.

Meanwhile, my neighbor's daughter pointed out that our little corner of the world has recently been a real magnet for weather/earth related disasters.  Since we moved into this house, we've experienced blizzards, a tornado, an earthquake, fire (not to mention the ice storm right before we moved)....  She started wondering what's next and even made a suggestion, but really, I must say I decline to participate in that sort of self-punishing, self-fulfilling prophecy, jinxing type behavior.  I can't think about it.  My mental health might be at stake.

BUT HERE'S THE BEST PART OF THE WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO LATELY: Sariah's pretty purple glasses have been located.  In Caleb's backpack.  Why didn't I think to look there?!  Still, even this morning I find myself continuing to look around my house imagining all the little hidey-holes a pair of glasses could be hunkered down in (inside the piano? but alas I've already looked there ... oh wait! under the china hutch? but alas I looked there, too ... noooooo, I'm not really going to consider going through the hideously messy craft drawers in the closet!).  You get the picture.  So, I'm ready to dance a jig over finding the long-lost, much missed specs.  Woohoo!