On Parenting Young Adults

I sort of ruined my own day by daring to respond to someone's post on Facebook about college students and adjusting and mental health. What was I thinking?

My rational brain kept telling me that this stranger was speaking to me the way she was out of fear resulting from some of her family's experiences, but it was all I could do not to defend myself. And even when I backed down and attempted to be conciliatory, it was too late. She was pretty upset.

I really struggle with situations like that. It's the second time something like that has happened to me in the last several months.

One of the things I like most about myself is that I generally attempt to be nice to everyone, and almost always, it has impressive results...meaning we can all get along and everything is beautiful, even when we don't agree.

But that very niceness is an internal struggle for me sometimes. I'm too nice to keep an argument going when it's obviously upsetting to someone, so for the most part, all the things running through my head remain unsaid. Most days this is a bonus. Some days it leaves me feeling very frustrated.

Having whined about all that, now I'm going to be grateful for what my part in the "discussion" was about.

I am grateful that Hannah opted to go away to college. I am grateful that she tried new things and started learning "to adult." That adulting thing is hard for sure, and some of it she kind of had to be pushed into.

I am grateful that she struggled. I hated--hated--watching her struggle. I hated watching her learning to deal with loneliness and fear and fatigue and unclear and uncertain choices more or less on her own. It was hard to watch her make choices that I didn't think would ultimately result in her happiness (fortunately, these choices for her were relatively minor and reversible). It was hard to wait for her to make healthy choices and seek her own happiness.

But she is doing it! And I have loved watching her stretch and grow and find passions. I have loved watching her come into her own confidence. I love knowing that she's getting better and better at this adulting thing, and especially at finding herself and finding strength in who she is and what she is capable of becoming.

One of the most valuable gifts my parents have given me is the knowledge that ultimately we are raising children to learn, seek, and find their own independence. I'm pretty sure my parents hated the application of that for me as a young adult, but they did it. Over my adolescence, they more and more allowed me to make my own choices and to become an adult and to stretch and grow. I admire them for selflessly doing something so difficult so that I could progress.

I also admire them for giving me options, for stepping in to give me those options, especially when my mental health was at stake. That's how you parent. It's a pretty fine line to walk, I think, to want to keep your child safely cushioned from life's hard knocks, all the while knowing that without a few hard knocks, it will be very difficult for them to fully appreciate the moments of joy. It's a fine line to walk to know that they must make choices for themselves, however painful the consequences. Hallelujah if they ask for your counsel! And the agony when they don't ask or they don't listen!

So as parents, even though it's really hard, we are doing our best to let our kids grow into themselves as adults. Sometimes we utterly fail at this. Some days are better than others. But I love the moments that come when they find joy and confidence and victory, whether small or large.

Anyway, my comments aren't entirely based upon the other woman's remarks to me. And she made some great and very true points about mental health, which of course you have no idea what I'm talking about. But. This has been on my mind all afternoon. I want to remember my reasons for not helicoptering my kids to death.