Heartbeat

I had my first ultrasound this morning.

The tech asked me, "And why are we doing this ultrasound today?"

And I promptly replied, "Because I'm a great big wuss."

"So, for reassurance then?"

Well, yes. I have enough anxieties (yes, I'm still worrying about swim team and my husband flying) without worrying about having a miscarriage since I've told all sorts of people via my blog, my big mouth, and my kids. And to top that off, I haven't been terribly sick. Now, I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth here, but it is really unusual for me to be this unsick. And in the past when I haven't been sick and had a positive pregnancy test, the pregnancy turned out to be not actually viable. Now that I've said all this, I'll be deathly ill with morning sickness for the next 32 weeks.

The verdict is: a so far healthy looking baby, with a great heartbeat. I would post the picture here, but really it just looks like a jelly bean. It doesn't look so vague when you're actually looking at the machine, but the printed picture is really fuzzy.

In any case, once a heartbeat can be detected, your chances of miscarriage go from 1 in 6, to 2 in a 100 (why don't they just say 1 in 50? it still sounds so much better).

So, now my husband can quit worrying about me worrying. He wasn't worried about the baby at all. But my ridiculous (my word, not his) anxieties were getting a little old.

I think I'll go celebrate with a little Ted's. :)

Survivor

I still haven't found the USB cord for my camera. I think I put it in a "safe" place. It's probably with Bob's phone charger. It's in a "safe place," too. It's really too bad because I look in my camera, and I have lots of fun pictures. Cheerful pictures. (This is a cheerful picture from my archives.)

Right now, I'm really struggling with cheerful. I want to be cheerful, and I usually start out the day cheerful. It's keeping the momentum going that's the problem.

It often doesn't seem like it, but Rex has a really difficult time adjusting to change. The beginning of the school year is a really big change for him, and understandably so. He needs the routine and the structure of the school day, but it is still a change in his daily life. He cries a lot. He whines a lot. He gets stubborn (which, believe it or not, is not actually one of his defining characteristics). He seems to become completely incapable of processing the words coming out of my mouth. He works really hard at doing whatever he wants.

Sometimes this means he runs around naked picking on his brother at night after his bath when he is supposed to be putting his pajamas on. Sometimes this means he takes 25 freakin' minutes to make his lunch in the morning, when he only has 30 minutes to get ready. Sometimes this means he repeatedly takes his seat belt off in the car all day long every single time we get in the car. Sometimes this means he goes and does the exact thing I told him not to do not 10 seconds beforehand. Sometimes this means he does his utmost to convince his teacher that he's supposed to ride the bus home, even though he knows he's not allowed to ride the bus because he is completely out of control when riding said vehicle. Sometimes this means he tortures the dogs, bugs Sariah until she screams, carries sharp scissors around while he's running, or shreds his shoe laces or the soles of his shoes or both.

When it happens all in one set of 24-48 hours, it's a little much for me to handle.

I try to remember that he has sensory integration issues and that some of his behaviors are almost compulsive. I try to remember that someday his abilities to ... multitask ... will be a blessing to him (and his wife, bless her heart). I try to remember that his love for fun and games will serve his children well. I try to remind myself that his persistence and stubbornness are the same thing as tenacity, which is sometimes what pulls us through adversities in life. I try to remember that his imagination and the "reality" that he lives in are the hallmarks of creativity and genius. I do my best to remember that when Rex smiles and is happy, the light in his eye can be downright infectious. I try my best to see the wonderful and amazing creation that is Rex, who would not be who he is if not for the extraordinary circumstances which have not only caused some of his issues, but which have built and molded his personality into that of an incredible survivor.

He's a pretty amazing kid.

I think I can be cheerful now.

Counting Blessings

After that last whiny post, I probably need to do some blessing-counting, especially since I can't find the USB cord for my camera to get all my pictures and post them here.

• I had a great visit this weekend with my parents, my nieces, and my brother.
• Caleb had a super time at his football scrimages yesterday. He made a bunch of great tackles, caught a pass the first time they tried to run the play, and says he had fun.
• I had yummy dinner and pie out with great friends last night.
• The kids had a good first "week" of school (and Sariah and I got some good naps with no one to wake us up).
• Bob currently has an assignment for work. Assignments are good. Assignments = continued employment.
• I have an interesting book to read right now. Two, actually.
• I got all the boys hair cut this week. Now if I could only figure out how to make it stop growing. LOL!
• I think my kids will be able to start riding the bus again. YES!!!
• I'm getting lots accomplished for my PTA work.
• All my blood work came back good and where it needed to be.
• My family is all here and all together.

It's a good week.

Sigh.

I have lots of pictures to post. I have lots of stories to write. But instead I'm just going to whine about why they won't sing for me.

• My dog had a seizure. So on the vet's recommendation, we went to the pet ER, where, for all intents and purposes, they might as well have told me she had a virus. But they're a lot richer now.
• My 2-year-old daughter bounced off a chair last night to the tile floor, afterward proclaiming that she needed to go night-night, then that her eyes hurt, then that her ears hurt, and then she was up and running around like a whirling dervish.
• Have I mentioned that I'm having (hopefully) pregnancy-hormone induced anxieties? Lots of them.
• I'm afraid my girls are going to drown at swim team. I have to go check on them regularly to cope with this fear. The swim team lane is RIGHT UNDER the lifeguard's perch.
• But I'm NOT afraid that my 8-year-old son will get any football related injuries, because I'm too busy hoping that practice will knock the rebelliousness out of him, because he throws such fits beforehand, because he doesn't want to go, even though we signed him up because he wanted to go.
• PTA, PTA, PTA. (This to be said to the cadence of "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.") I know that I volunteered (sort of) and that we are accomplishing good things, but I forgot how time-consuming it can be made.
• I've banned all Disney youth-aged TV shows at my house. Little Einsteins, Micky Mouse Clubhouse=ok. Hannah Montana, Zach & Cody, Wizards of Waverly Place=NOT ok. And while my kids are less mouthy and kinder to each other, they are now "bored" and expect to be entertained, which means they are mouthy and unkind to each other. Why am I doing this again?
• I have been preoccupied with a CNN segment (maybe it was Fox) on "How to Survive a Plane Crash." This is a reasonable preoccupation, I think, given how often Bob flies. But really, aren't you either going to survive or not?

Okay, I'm done ranting now. I solemnly vow not to rant again for at least another 24 hours. :)

Good News!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Today's Writing Prompt: Good news

Write about some good news you heard recently.


This is a very timely prompt for me. A week and a half ago, I discovered that I'm pregnant. We'd been hoping for nearly 4 months, and I had just come to the conclusion that we might need to stop for a little bit, so that I could get my weight and my rosacea/acne under better control. But right before I started my new rosacea meds, I thought, "I should really make sure I'm not pregnant," since you're not supposed to take any of those meds while you're pregnant. And lo and behold, the test was positive!

I hadn't been expecting it at all! With only one working ovary and fallopian tube, and 4 months gone by (which is way longer than it's taken in the past), I just figured the time wasn't right yet. In fact, I've done 3 pregnancy tests in all, just waiting for one to come back negative.

I do have a bunch of worries to go with this joyous news, but for now I want to focus on the positive. I am so excited to hopefully have a newborn again. I love babies, and my kids get older, I find I am enjoying them in new and exciting ways every day.

I am so grateful to be a mother, and to have the opportunity to love these beautiful children.

Composed

And I had a song composed for me this year:

Happy Birthday to you,

You live in a zoo!

You live with 5 monkeys,

And there's one in you, too!

My kids thought it was highly entertaining.

Happy Brithday to Me!

My birthday was wonderful this year, and I'm so grateful for that. I got 2 cakes--1 from my kids, and 1 completely chocolate cake from April. I got to have my parents here from Kansas for the day. We ate at Ted's--yum!!! I got to watch my son play football and my daughters swim like champions. I even got to take a nap.

The one drawback was that my honey's flight got delayed and he couldn't get into town until Friday afternoon. But that's okay; he made it, and I'm glad he's home.

Thanks to everyone for all their birthday wishes. I appreciate them!

Vacations

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Today's Writing Prompt: Home

How do you feel when you walk into your home after an out of town trip?


That depends on how the house was before I left. I love coming home after being away for a substantial amount of time, but only if the house was clean before I left it. Otherwise, it's just one big reminder that it's time to go back to the drudgery, and I'm probably more behind than when I left. It's depressing.

You Are Awesome!

So thanks to all of you for letting me rant and vent about my thoughts, even though none of you would ever ask me any of those questions. The support is great, and I appreciate it. :) And now I will retire my little soapbox.

When I'm Dead....

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Today's Writing Prompt: Quote

In 100 years, what one statement would you like others to remember you as having said?


Does it have to be my own words?

Live, laugh, love.

Pick Your Jaws Up off the Floor!

I'm feeling a little judged this week. It's probably mostly paranoia, but there it is. I can't really change what people think, although I'm going to try, so mostly this post is about owning the decisions I've made.

If you haven't heard already, I'm pregnant.

Hence, the title. Obviously.

And worse than that, I'm happy to be pregnant. I can't keep it a secret. It's way too exciting to keep mum about it.

But the one thing that really throws a wrench in my joy is being asked a ton of nosy questions. I don't really think fast enough to hand out coherent answers or arguments. So first, I'm going to send you to this link. It's one of my favorite posts about large families. And second, I'm going to post the following "Q & A with Tracy." I'll start with the more polite questions.

Q: Why do you tell people so early? Aren't you afraid of miscarriage?
A: Yes, I'm deathly afraid of miscarriage. My body has proven repeatedly that it's entirely capable of ending pregnancy early, very early. But the fact is that I can't keep my own secrets. Other people's I'm better at keeping, but not my own. If I miscarry, then I miscarry, and there's probably a good reason for it (no matter how much I hate that it happens). I'm not going to wallow in the misery of my disappointment and heartache, but I'm not going to keep my sorrow a secret either. In our culture, it's apparently not okay to have bad things happen to you, and you have to keep them a secret. I happen to think some of humanity is about sharing emotions with each other; that's when we learn the most about each other, when we learn the most compassion, and when we learn that we are not alone.

Q: Don't you have enough kids?
A: When I was a little girl growing up, the only thing I consistently desired when I grew up was to be a mother. I went through phases when I wanted to be a vet, a teacher, a farmer's wife, a Tupperware lady. When I got older, I thought I would enjoy being a speech therapist, a social worker, and an elementary school teacher. Those things I probably would have loved and been good at (although the social worker thing probably would have killed me, which is why I changed my major). What never changed was that I wanted to be a mom. What's more, I wanted to have a lot of kids, like 12. I spent hours and hours naming them and renaming them. I was going to have triplets named Dallas, Austin, and Houston (that was before I moved to Texas and then decided that was stupid). I was absolutely convinced that my parents had deprived me by giving me only one sibling. I am fortunate enough now to be living my dream! I don't need 12 kids any more, but I still love children, and I still love being a mom, and I'm so grateful to have a husband who allows me the privilege of living my dream.

Q: Do you even use birth control?
A: Is this even your business? I will, however, point out that there was a 6-year gap between the birth of my 3rd child and the birth of my 5th child (the 4th is adopted).

Q: Can you even afford the kids you have?
A: Yes, for the time being. Obviously, in this kind of economy, there are no guarantees. Is there ever really a guarantee? But both Bob and I are willing to do what it takes to provide the necessities of life for the children we have brought into the world. I think that this applies to Bob especially. We live on one income because Bob works hard and makes many sacrifices for us. We all make sacrifices. Sacrifices aren't the worst thing in the world.

Q: Don't you worry that your kids will be deprived of time, attention, money, etc.? Don't you worry that your kids will be permanently warped?
A: I worry about these things all the time, but I don't believe they happen intrinsically because a family is large. I, as a parent, have a responsibility to provide for these things. I know plenty of large families, and I often (not always) find that the children are polite, well-behaved, cooperative, willing to work, good citizens, and exceptionally kind. It doesn't warp a child to have to share a bedroom (we could be living in a one-room cabin, right?). It doesn't warp a child to not always have ice cream in the freezer (hello obese America!). It doesn't warp a child to not get to participate in every single thing s/he thinks necessary (as an adult, I can't possibly do everything I want to do). And there are pros, as well as cons, to having multiple siblings--after all, in 50 years, who is going to be there for my children? Me? Please, I hope I'm dead by then. Or will they have each other, their lifelong friends and companions? (Just so long as they don't start a family feud. LOL!) The bottom line is: I'm NOT raising Generation Me here, and I'm so glad for that.

Q: You just got a bigger house. What are you doing?!
A: Consider that we were planning for our future. 4000 sq ft with 2 occupants does not a happy home make. Although, I do have to say we were really squished in our old house. I think as long as Bob and I stay committed to first the Lord, and second each other, and third our family, 2300 sq ft is plenty of room for a happy family and a successful life together. (Please note that I did not say this would be easy....)

Q: When are you going to stop already?
A: Quite frankly, that's nobody's business but ours. And shame on you for asking!

Q: Have any of your children actually been planned?
A: This really isn't your business either, but YES, all of them have been planned for, longed for, and greatly desired. The one exception is Rex, who arrived at our home on one day's notice for a temporary stay when he was 7 months old. He never left, and we've long since adopted him. I think that was an acceptable surprise as he's such a vital part of our family now.

Q: Isn't it irresponsible of you to bring little people into this world when you have a mental illness?
A: I suffer from depression. That sounds so ... depressing. But really, and I've posted about this before, I'm very, very grateful for my mental illness. It is currently under control with medication, exercise, and the avoidance of large amounts of chocolate (I know--that's inhumane). I will not come off of my meds while I am pregnant--a happy, consistent, and loving mommy, one with not so much cortisol running around her bloodstream, is the best gift you can give a child. I have parented with undiagnosed depression and with uncontrolled depression, as well as with diagnosed & controlled depression. It wasn't fun or pleasant for anyone when I was a mess. I'm not a mess now (or any more of a mess than anyone else or pregnant moms, anyway). It was my experiences as a mother that helped me to understand that there was something wrong with my head--I guess parenting in general leads us to that conclusion anyway, but I'm obviously referring to more here, people. It's my experiences as a mother that bring me some of the greatest joys and the most laughter and the brightest smiles. This isn't really a coherent answer to this question, but it's the way I feel.

Q: Aren't you exhausted all of the time?
A: Well, duh. But it's absolutely worth it.

Q: Do you ever get peace and quiet?
A: Only if my parents or my husband provide for it, bless their hearts. And when I do get it, it's kind of creepy weird.

Q: Don't you think you should make your husband stop traveling on a weekly basis, come home, and help you raise all those kids?
A: I'm living my dream, my husband should get to live his. I think he's been happy with this job, he's learned a lot, and he's built his resume. When he's ready for the 9-5 grind again, he'll get a "regular" job. In the mean time, Bob is an active and integral component of our family. I certainly couldn't do any of this without him.

Q: What does your husband think about another baby?
A: He's super excited, and smiled hugely when I gave him the news.

Q: What do your kids think about another baby?
A: I think there are mixed feelings, but over all, the feeling is excitement and anticipation. Believe me when I say I'll have to fight to spend time with my newborn.

Q: When's the baby due?
A: Assuming all goes well, April 12th.

And now I'll sign off to make sure I'm still pregnant. :D

Crank

Why am I always so grumpy on Sunday mornings? Sunday is supposed to be the Sabbath day, a day of rest and renewal. And instead of feeling rested or renewed, I just want to go hide in my bedroom under the covers and not come out until the frown lines between my eyebrows smooth out. I sit and ponder this, and it only makes me crankier. I don't get it.

Wondrous

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Today's Writing Prompt: Wondrous

Mankind has done wondrous things. We built the pyramids, went to the moon, and have explored the deepest depths of space. Describe something wondrous that you have done.


My gut answer is bringing children into the world. From the making of them to their births to watching them grow, learn, and progress, it's all wondrous. My children never cease to fascinate me--how they can be so much like their parents, and yet how they are so different and individual and unique and amazing!

Rain, Rain, Rain

Don't get me wrong when I say the things I'm about to say. Lest you misunderstand, I love the rain this summer. I love not paying to have my lawn watered. And I especially love that my birthday this year (which is 1 week away!) feels like it did when I was growing up in Arizona--my birthday always fell during monsoon season, and I love it! I still cringe whenever I hear thunder--I used to hide under my bed from it--but oh, I rejoice in the rain. This morning I even looked for a rainbow because you could see the sun coming up as it was pouring rain.

However, my issue stems from the 2 facts that (a) it is impossible for me to walk my dogs when it's cool enough to walk them, as it's been raining every morning at the crack of dawn (pun intended) and (b) suddenly, I once again find myself perpetually shadowed by 1 wimpy dog and 2-4 nervous children. Call me crazy, but I have some issues with these things. Obviously.

So now I'm going to return to the cup being half full, and say cheers! to a green, green lawn and good, good memories!

So there you have it....

And now my friends, we have reached the end of our Kansas Vacation 09 pictures. Breathe a sigh of relief, because it's over now. I didn't take quite as many pictures as my parents did in Europe, and for which I teased them mercilessly. But I nearly did. You should count yourselves lucky that I only showed you the few that I did. {wink}

Tractor Time

Papa's new toy became everyone's favorite toy. He loves riding it, and so did my kids. Sariah only liked riding it if it wasn't on, but that's okay. They had fun with Papa!





Blowing raspberries at each other here:



They were catching flies in this last picture.

Work in Progress

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Today's Writing Prompt: Growth

In what way have you grown the most in the last year?


I am learning, slowly but surely, to stand up for myself more, and especially to not be afraid to voice my opinions, even when I know others might disagree with them. This is something that's really difficult for me, because I am a people-pleaser at heart, and I don't like people being unhappy with me. But with the help of my friends, I am learning that just because you disagree with someone doesn't me you dislike them. As always, I'm a work in progress.

The Many Faces of Sariah

And Sariah's a fabulous model, too. Just so long as it's her idea.

911

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Today's Writing Prompt: Police

Write about a time you had to call the police or other emergency services.


I feel like in responding to this I'm extremely likely to jinx myself. I've never actually had to dial 911. I'm extremely grateful for that, and wish to maintain that record.

There has been at least once when I should have called 911 and didn't. Like this summer, when a thief broke into my car, stole my garage door opener, and actually opened it. I heard the garage door go up, and what did I do? I took my Wonder Dog out to the garage to scare him off. Not my brightest moment, really.

Also, when I was 16, I babysat a police officer's kids once (and only once) for New Year's, and they--the kids--called 911 for prank value. Really, that wasn't pretty either.

The Many Faces of Caleb

Several of my children were pretty obliging with pictures that night: