Pick Your Jaws Up off the Floor!

I'm feeling a little judged this week. It's probably mostly paranoia, but there it is. I can't really change what people think, although I'm going to try, so mostly this post is about owning the decisions I've made.

If you haven't heard already, I'm pregnant.

Hence, the title. Obviously.

And worse than that, I'm happy to be pregnant. I can't keep it a secret. It's way too exciting to keep mum about it.

But the one thing that really throws a wrench in my joy is being asked a ton of nosy questions. I don't really think fast enough to hand out coherent answers or arguments. So first, I'm going to send you to this link. It's one of my favorite posts about large families. And second, I'm going to post the following "Q & A with Tracy." I'll start with the more polite questions.

Q: Why do you tell people so early? Aren't you afraid of miscarriage?
A: Yes, I'm deathly afraid of miscarriage. My body has proven repeatedly that it's entirely capable of ending pregnancy early, very early. But the fact is that I can't keep my own secrets. Other people's I'm better at keeping, but not my own. If I miscarry, then I miscarry, and there's probably a good reason for it (no matter how much I hate that it happens). I'm not going to wallow in the misery of my disappointment and heartache, but I'm not going to keep my sorrow a secret either. In our culture, it's apparently not okay to have bad things happen to you, and you have to keep them a secret. I happen to think some of humanity is about sharing emotions with each other; that's when we learn the most about each other, when we learn the most compassion, and when we learn that we are not alone.

Q: Don't you have enough kids?
A: When I was a little girl growing up, the only thing I consistently desired when I grew up was to be a mother. I went through phases when I wanted to be a vet, a teacher, a farmer's wife, a Tupperware lady. When I got older, I thought I would enjoy being a speech therapist, a social worker, and an elementary school teacher. Those things I probably would have loved and been good at (although the social worker thing probably would have killed me, which is why I changed my major). What never changed was that I wanted to be a mom. What's more, I wanted to have a lot of kids, like 12. I spent hours and hours naming them and renaming them. I was going to have triplets named Dallas, Austin, and Houston (that was before I moved to Texas and then decided that was stupid). I was absolutely convinced that my parents had deprived me by giving me only one sibling. I am fortunate enough now to be living my dream! I don't need 12 kids any more, but I still love children, and I still love being a mom, and I'm so grateful to have a husband who allows me the privilege of living my dream.

Q: Do you even use birth control?
A: Is this even your business? I will, however, point out that there was a 6-year gap between the birth of my 3rd child and the birth of my 5th child (the 4th is adopted).

Q: Can you even afford the kids you have?
A: Yes, for the time being. Obviously, in this kind of economy, there are no guarantees. Is there ever really a guarantee? But both Bob and I are willing to do what it takes to provide the necessities of life for the children we have brought into the world. I think that this applies to Bob especially. We live on one income because Bob works hard and makes many sacrifices for us. We all make sacrifices. Sacrifices aren't the worst thing in the world.

Q: Don't you worry that your kids will be deprived of time, attention, money, etc.? Don't you worry that your kids will be permanently warped?
A: I worry about these things all the time, but I don't believe they happen intrinsically because a family is large. I, as a parent, have a responsibility to provide for these things. I know plenty of large families, and I often (not always) find that the children are polite, well-behaved, cooperative, willing to work, good citizens, and exceptionally kind. It doesn't warp a child to have to share a bedroom (we could be living in a one-room cabin, right?). It doesn't warp a child to not always have ice cream in the freezer (hello obese America!). It doesn't warp a child to not get to participate in every single thing s/he thinks necessary (as an adult, I can't possibly do everything I want to do). And there are pros, as well as cons, to having multiple siblings--after all, in 50 years, who is going to be there for my children? Me? Please, I hope I'm dead by then. Or will they have each other, their lifelong friends and companions? (Just so long as they don't start a family feud. LOL!) The bottom line is: I'm NOT raising Generation Me here, and I'm so glad for that.

Q: You just got a bigger house. What are you doing?!
A: Consider that we were planning for our future. 4000 sq ft with 2 occupants does not a happy home make. Although, I do have to say we were really squished in our old house. I think as long as Bob and I stay committed to first the Lord, and second each other, and third our family, 2300 sq ft is plenty of room for a happy family and a successful life together. (Please note that I did not say this would be easy....)

Q: When are you going to stop already?
A: Quite frankly, that's nobody's business but ours. And shame on you for asking!

Q: Have any of your children actually been planned?
A: This really isn't your business either, but YES, all of them have been planned for, longed for, and greatly desired. The one exception is Rex, who arrived at our home on one day's notice for a temporary stay when he was 7 months old. He never left, and we've long since adopted him. I think that was an acceptable surprise as he's such a vital part of our family now.

Q: Isn't it irresponsible of you to bring little people into this world when you have a mental illness?
A: I suffer from depression. That sounds so ... depressing. But really, and I've posted about this before, I'm very, very grateful for my mental illness. It is currently under control with medication, exercise, and the avoidance of large amounts of chocolate (I know--that's inhumane). I will not come off of my meds while I am pregnant--a happy, consistent, and loving mommy, one with not so much cortisol running around her bloodstream, is the best gift you can give a child. I have parented with undiagnosed depression and with uncontrolled depression, as well as with diagnosed & controlled depression. It wasn't fun or pleasant for anyone when I was a mess. I'm not a mess now (or any more of a mess than anyone else or pregnant moms, anyway). It was my experiences as a mother that helped me to understand that there was something wrong with my head--I guess parenting in general leads us to that conclusion anyway, but I'm obviously referring to more here, people. It's my experiences as a mother that bring me some of the greatest joys and the most laughter and the brightest smiles. This isn't really a coherent answer to this question, but it's the way I feel.

Q: Aren't you exhausted all of the time?
A: Well, duh. But it's absolutely worth it.

Q: Do you ever get peace and quiet?
A: Only if my parents or my husband provide for it, bless their hearts. And when I do get it, it's kind of creepy weird.

Q: Don't you think you should make your husband stop traveling on a weekly basis, come home, and help you raise all those kids?
A: I'm living my dream, my husband should get to live his. I think he's been happy with this job, he's learned a lot, and he's built his resume. When he's ready for the 9-5 grind again, he'll get a "regular" job. In the mean time, Bob is an active and integral component of our family. I certainly couldn't do any of this without him.

Q: What does your husband think about another baby?
A: He's super excited, and smiled hugely when I gave him the news.

Q: What do your kids think about another baby?
A: I think there are mixed feelings, but over all, the feeling is excitement and anticipation. Believe me when I say I'll have to fight to spend time with my newborn.

Q: When's the baby due?
A: Assuming all goes well, April 12th.

And now I'll sign off to make sure I'm still pregnant. :D