My Light in the Darkness

I haven't written about depression in awhile. There are several reasons for this.

Last fall, over a year ago, a friend came to me to offer comfort after a series of my frustrated Facebook posts about various things. And my pride got the better of me. I wanted people to see that my life is positive, too, and that there are lots of good things in my days.

But the flip side of that is that I stopped posting entirely about my struggles. On some days, that's a good thing, because it doesn't help to dwell on the hard things. On some days, that's a bad thing because my friends don't see that someone else they love struggles with things, too. People don't know that someone they know and love is in the process of overcoming something difficult, and that's a very isolating feeling. Does that make any sense? Nobody should ever feel alone.

The other reason I haven't talked depression in awhile is that it doesn't feel like the biggest struggle in my life right now. When I look at things in detail, it probably really is the biggest struggle, but it doesn't manifest itself like it used to, and I've learned some really awesome coping skills.

My depression still really is with me all the time. On some level, my body and my mind and my heart know this. At my physical this week, my doctor suggested that maybe we could try lowering my medication dose. My immediate reaction was, "Noooooooo!" I like being happy. I like loving life even through the hard times. I like knowing that hard things can be managed. And I know that without my medication--because I've tried it--those things aren't my reality.

But I also realized that one of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon has become one of my realities. In the book of Mosiah, a prophet named Alma and his people find themselves in bondage to another people. So I don't feel like my bondage is to another people; I feel like my bondage is to the whacked-out chemicals in my brain. Think of that as you read these verses.

13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

 14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

 15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. (Mosiah 24:13-15)

I don't think that I've been delivered from my "bondage" of depression (yet! because I firmly believe it will come eventually), but I do feel that over the last 6-7 years especially the Lord has made my burden seem light, that sometimes I cannot even feel the burden of depression on my shoulders, even though from time to time I am reminded that it is still there. He has strengthened me to bear this burden--taught me coping skills, led me to medication, surrounded me with people who love me and encourage me and support me.

So, when I saw on my #LIGHTtheWORLD advent calendar that today was about helping other people to see, I immediately thought of what I needed to see in the darkness that was my world, of what the Savior and my Heavenly Father helped me to see in that terrible darkness of depression.

I don't want people to think my life is perfect. I don't want people to think my life is miserable. I want people to know that I have struggles but my God is helping me to overcome them through many small and simple means, and that through that, I have great joy which once I never thought possible.