Sunday Thoughts

I am loving all the rain. I am a child of the desert. I love the rain.

I am hating this cold that many in our family, including me, have.

#LIGHTtheWORLD today was about worshiping God. Unfortunately, I didn't get to go to my church meetings. Sad. So my goal for the month will be to kneel in prayer every day. I think I pray every day, because I kind of have a running conversation with Heavenly Father going on in my mind. But taking the time to kneel and show reverence and respect is pretty important, so that's what I'm going to work on.

Tomorrow's challenge is to help care for the sick. We asked the kids whom they thought we should help. They said, "Us." Little punks. Still working on how to help the sick without giving our germs to them. :)

My Light in the Darkness

I haven't written about depression in awhile. There are several reasons for this.

Last fall, over a year ago, a friend came to me to offer comfort after a series of my frustrated Facebook posts about various things. And my pride got the better of me. I wanted people to see that my life is positive, too, and that there are lots of good things in my days.

But the flip side of that is that I stopped posting entirely about my struggles. On some days, that's a good thing, because it doesn't help to dwell on the hard things. On some days, that's a bad thing because my friends don't see that someone else they love struggles with things, too. People don't know that someone they know and love is in the process of overcoming something difficult, and that's a very isolating feeling. Does that make any sense? Nobody should ever feel alone.

The other reason I haven't talked depression in awhile is that it doesn't feel like the biggest struggle in my life right now. When I look at things in detail, it probably really is the biggest struggle, but it doesn't manifest itself like it used to, and I've learned some really awesome coping skills.

My depression still really is with me all the time. On some level, my body and my mind and my heart know this. At my physical this week, my doctor suggested that maybe we could try lowering my medication dose. My immediate reaction was, "Noooooooo!" I like being happy. I like loving life even through the hard times. I like knowing that hard things can be managed. And I know that without my medication--because I've tried it--those things aren't my reality.

But I also realized that one of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon has become one of my realities. In the book of Mosiah, a prophet named Alma and his people find themselves in bondage to another people. So I don't feel like my bondage is to another people; I feel like my bondage is to the whacked-out chemicals in my brain. Think of that as you read these verses.

13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

 14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

 15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. (Mosiah 24:13-15)

I don't think that I've been delivered from my "bondage" of depression (yet! because I firmly believe it will come eventually), but I do feel that over the last 6-7 years especially the Lord has made my burden seem light, that sometimes I cannot even feel the burden of depression on my shoulders, even though from time to time I am reminded that it is still there. He has strengthened me to bear this burden--taught me coping skills, led me to medication, surrounded me with people who love me and encourage me and support me.

So, when I saw on my #LIGHTtheWORLD advent calendar that today was about helping other people to see, I immediately thought of what I needed to see in the darkness that was my world, of what the Savior and my Heavenly Father helped me to see in that terrible darkness of depression.

I don't want people to think my life is perfect. I don't want people to think my life is miserable. I want people to know that I have struggles but my God is helping me to overcome them through many small and simple means, and that through that, I have great joy which once I never thought possible.

Beauty

This is my mom, Patricia. Isn't she beautiful?

When I was a little girl, I didn't think she was beautiful. I didn't think she was ugly. She was just...you know...my mom. And then one day, I just realized: "My mom is beautiful."

It was a really awesome realization because my whole life I had been told I looked just like my mother. So voila! Obviously now I was beautiful, too. :)

Every time I think about the family I was born into, I am grateful for them, and for my mom especially. I hit the jackpot of families, I promise. My brother and I were loved and wanted and taught and disciplined. We were expected to grow up and be independent and competent, functioning members of society. Those expectations were a gift.

My mom's example was a gift as well. She was my Girl Scout leader for years. Now that I am an adult and a Cubmaster, I realize how much of a sacrifice that must have been, especially since she was freaking awesome. My standards for my kids' scouting experiences are high indeed because their experiences must measure up to what my mom provided for me. It's not often we get that. And when we do, I am thankful for my mom all over again.

Mom was the homeroom mom--over and over again. She encouraged me to be smart, and taught me that I could solve problems and do whatever I needed to do. She taught me that I had immense value besides what other people thought of me. She taught me that family matters. She taught me that the past matters. She taught me that the future matters.

When I was 16, she put me on a plane to the crumbling USSR for three weeks, in the days when there was no internet or texting or cheap foreign phone calls, so that I could have a life experience.

When I was a few days shy of 18, she left me at college three hours away, so that I could have a life experience. And she sent me chocolate while I was away. Hello? True love!!!

When I was 20, she watched me get married very young and start having babies, because she had taught me to lead my own life and to have my own life experiences...even though I'm pretty sure she thought I had lost my every-lovin' mind. And she celebrated with us.

Now if you know me or Mom, you probably know that sometimes our relationship can be strained. We have some vastly differing viewpoints on life, and we have different types of personalities. Sometimes little memes go around Facebook that say something like, "If I turn out to be half the mother my own mom was, I'll be lucky." I usually roll my eyes, something I started perfecting before I became a teenager and which I haven't given up yet, and sniff to myself, "Whatever! Who wants to live in a perfectly organized and clean house with two reasonably well-behaved children, a successful home business, and a husband who works hard and adores you?"

Yeah, do you see my problem here?

High standards.

Because my mom is awesome. When she was my whole world, she was strong and confident and loving and farsighted enough to sacrifice what she may have needed or wanted personally for what I would need in the future. See? Awesome! 

So...because eye-rolling at other people's expense usually leads to an eye-opening dose of humility is a true story: If I turn out to be half the mother my own mom was, my kids and I will be lucky indeed.

I love you, Mom. I wish my tween and teen-aged brain hadn't wasted so much time not appreciating you enough. You are my example every day, and I'm so thankful for that.

This is my mom, Patricia. Isn't she beautiful!?

Still Thanksgiving Here

I'm cleaning off my desk (again, sigh), and found Sam and Sariah's masterpieces from Thanksgiving, and now they will be documented here forever, haha. I love these two little ones!

by Sam

by Sam

by Sariah

by Sariah

Oh, Dear

I don't know whether he is blessing our clean dishes or bemoaning the horror that is a broken dishwasher in a household of 9. I washed him because he was dusty and left him on the towel to dry. I don't know whether it was Bob or Lizzi who thought this would be entertaining. But since I didn't have to do the dishes...hurray! Would it be totally inappropriate to say quite sincerely, "Thank you, Jesus"? For real. This is a big blessing in my day. And the dishwasher guy better show up tomorrow....

More Pics from September

My Girls!

From our "photo shoot" back in September. Aren't my girls beauties?! :)

Miss Personality.

I miss her.

Lizzi was really peeved that we were doing family pictures, so this was the outfit she chose. She also though posing with the trashcan was entirely appropriate....

Madeline may have been done with taking pictures.

Beautiful!

Are we done yet???

I've got a secret....

Happy Sabbath Day!

A productive day, I think. Sariah and Madeline and I stayed home from church because Sariah hasn't been feeling very well. We finished off the Thanksgiving leftovers, decorated the Christmas tree, decided on some service activities for our church's #LIGHTtheWORLD campaign, and watched this awesome nativity video.

Shutterfly

I'm super excited because part of my Shutterfly order got here today. That means I can get crackin' on my Christmas cards. Here's a sneak peek. I love my little family! They make me happy. :)

My Christmas Gift to Me

I've decided to give myself some Christmas gifts. This could be tricky, because it involves me setting goals. I tend to stink at accomplishing the ones I really want. But here's the deal. I've posted something on this blog almost every day since going to General Conference on October 2 because I felt like I needed to be a better record keeper. I'm pretty proud of that. And quite frankly, Hannah is the motivation behind that. But see? It proves that I can accomplish things. So....

Here are the gifts I want to give myself for Christmas. They are really just baby steps. But that's what I've got to give right now.

1. The gift of health. I'm going to give myself 300,000 steps by Christmas day. That's roughly105+ miles. It's my Fitbit goal of 10,000 steps a day, which I have to make a concentrated effort to achieve. But I'm gonna do my best.
2. The gift of nutrition. Or the beginnings of it anyway. Drink more water. I'm going to give myself 3000 oz of water by Christmas day. That's 100 oz a day. Or 23 gallons in all. I might have to reevaluate this goal, because...hello, I get seasick at about 50 oz. But I'm gonna do my best.
3. The gift of the gospel. I'm going to read the Book of Mormon in the next 30 days. It's about 8 chapters a day, or 18 pages a day. I can do this. I used to tell my Young Women that if they could read a Harry Potter book (which is generally more than 531 pages) in under a week, then they could read the Book of Mormon in under week. Now I have to prove this, lol.

So there you have it. Wish me luck and cheer me on. :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Day Before Thanksgiving

Today was cooking and reading and sleeping. And a few games of MarioKart because Sam earned it by actually eating everything on his plate. Crazy, right?

Madeline's Latest Tricks

 These are just some odds and ends I've pulled out of our photo app. She has recently been teaching herself to float in the bathtub. That's pretty entertaining.

Not sure how long ago this was. But I love the mohawk!

I'm pretty sure Nana is one of Madeline's most favoritest people ever.

New hangout apparently.

One of her favorite and most entertaining tricks. ;) Sometimes she can even do it with three binkies!

Rex!!

So I went on a hunt for Rex-pictures. I made him take one on Sunday with his mutant candy corn, and then I found some of him in Bob's camera roll. I think the red shirt is from when I was out of town in October. The blue shirt pics are from a family picture session in September right before Hannah left for the MTC. There will probably be more of those posts in the coming days as I'm preparing our family Christmas pictures. Also, don't mind Rex's older brother in the last picture; Caleb has...issues, and poor Sam had to deal with the consequences. But it's a good picture of Rex! ;)

Throwback: Hannah Leaves the ATL

Hahaha, Bob uploaded all of the photos from his phone to my computer. I plan to entertain myself this way for several days. Here are some departing missionary pictures from October. Aren't we a cute little family!? I can't believe that half of my kids are as tall as I am. When did this happen? Also, some brothers are easier to hug than others. Just sayin'. We miss our Hannah's awesome facial communications.

Here is one of my happinesses in life...smiling at the man I love with the little people we love together.

Saturday Randoms

For the record, and before I go too much further with this post...Rex hasn't been letting me take pictures of him. I'm not leaving him out on purpose. Just sayin'. He might be more elusive than the crazy Hannah-girl.

In the mean time, the last few days have been fun.

I think Caleb is a pretty good-lookin' young man...even when he's covered in chewed-up-by-a-toddler-brownie smears.

Daddy taught Madeline how to get the job done right.

But Mommy got the camera out, so then Madeline needed her picture selfie taken....

I tried to get Sam's picture, too. I told him to smile handsomely, lol.

Also, the swim team photographer posted awesome pictures of Lizzi on FB today. They were from last night's meet (which I missed, because we were feeding the sister missionaries).

And Caleb sent me pictures from our eye doctor visit earlier this week. It wasn't really Madeline's visit, but she sure knew what to do. Look at that grin!