Spring Has Sprung

And I'm a mess.  But what else is new?

Seriously, though.  I feel like I'm a walking catastrophe these days.  After giving a very inspirational soapbox sermon to a friend about how "you are not a number on a scale" and "you can't evaluate your entire success at motherhood entirely on the way your kids (with their pesky free will ... grrrrr) turn out," I find that I am judging myself by the number on the scale, the piles of laundry (clean AND dirty) stacked around my house, and the amount of smack-talk I observe in my children to me, each other and all the innocent bystanders.  Among other assessment criteria too numerous (and depressing) to list here.

And I'm in a traitorous dead-in-the-water phase where I feel like I can't do it, if I do it it will be a ginormous failure, so why even try?

Not good.  Not good at all.

So what did I do good today?  It may seem small to you, but I gotta take my successes where I can.

I did a load of dishes, even though it was one of the children's jobs, so hey! I did a remarkable act of service, right?

And I stood up to the-child-who-tends-to-intimidate-me-with-his/her-it's-an-unfair-life propaganda.  Don't get judgy-judgy on me here.  I know I should not be manipulated by my children, but you know what?  There is much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth on this scene, and I weary of it.  Why do I need my child to do this for me when I'm plenty good at doing it all by my lonesome?

I went to an awards ceremony for my daughter.  And I was glad I went.  Especially after she tried to convince me that I didn't really need to come.  She's right, it was not a major award, but it was her, and she's amazing, and it was totally worth it.

I continued to express gratitude for the traffic court judge who dropped my speeding-in-a-construction-zone-ticket by about 200 bucks.  And--bonus--I didn't speed in that construction zone today.  My, my, my I am just full of good works today.

I took my girls to swim team tonight even though I really didn't want to because I just wanted to climb into bed and hibernate.  And while I was at the Y, I exercised, even though I really, really didn't want to.  And I stopped just to watch Sam through the window of the nursery, and I laughed because he was so, so cute driving his little cars off of his fabulously contrived train tracks.  I don't stop to enjoy my kids often enough.  Just thinking about Sam being so cute makes me smile and take a deep breath of air.  That's therapeutic.  The Lord knows what He's doing, doesn't he?

So, speaking of integrity...

Whilst pursuing my Studies in Integrity, a few things have popped out at me that I really need to change in my life.  Ok, really Heavenly Father made one thing in particular crystal clear.  I am supposed to be working on it.

Then for another part of my Studies in Integrity, I read the following quote from M. Russell Ballard, one of the Twelve Apostles of my church.  It's an awesome talk about mothers and daughters, and you can read it here.  He says,

Now, mothers, I understand that it sometimes appears that our children aren’t paying attention to the lessons we’re trying to teach them. Believe me—I’ve seen that glazed-over look that comes to the eyes of teenagers just when you’re coming to what you think is the best part of your instruction. Let me assure you that even when you think your daughter is not listening to a thing you say, she is still learning from you as she watches you to see if your actions match your words. As Ralph Waldo Emerson is believed to have said, “What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say” (see Ralph Keyes, The Quote Verifier [2006],56).

 Yeah, so I'm driving along last night in the car with my older daughters, and they start to do the very thing I'm supposed to be working at not doing.  Not that I recognized it that way at the time.  It went on for a little while, and finally I intervened.

That's when my smart mouthed child said to me (in a very casual, offhand voice) something along the lines of, "You do it all the time, mom.  What's the big deal?"

Oh.

Just stab a knife right through my heart, will ya?

And suddenly Elder Ballard's words came ringing back to me.  Crystal clear.  Again.  As if I had just read them off the page that very second.  With a bite.

Not only do my daughters know my worst flaws, but I have no credibility with them when trying to teach them better.  It's gonna take awhile to mend that.

It's funny how you think you know something.  I know that as a mother one of my best tools is to set a good example.  And yet.  The actuality of it turns out to be something entirely out of the range of what you were thinking.  And when you become aware of it, it seems so obvious.  But it wasn't.

It is now.

Gearing Up

I'm thinking it's probably time to potty train the Little Man.  He brings me a diaper when he needs to be changed.  It just sounds so overwhelming to me.  At least I can put it off a little bit longer until his cast comes off, right?  Who wants to deal with a cast when you are trying to pull up and down pants and stay dry when armed with an unpredictable water gun?

Hard Day

Yesterday afternoon was one of the longest in recent memory.  We quite unexpectedly lost one of our dogs, Jonah.  The shock of his death was one thing, and then to relive it through the 6 kids repeatedly was another.  It's hard to hurt, and it's just as hard to watch your kids hurt, too.  Pray for us, will you?  I never would have guessed how upsetting it would be to all of us.  It's going to take some time to heal.

Integrity

In our church, the young women (girls ages 12-18) can work on a program called Personal Progress ... you can think of it sort of like earning a Gold Award in Girl Scouts or become an Eagle Scout in Boy Scouts.  There are a number of requirements in a series of areas (virtues).  Each virtue culminates with a bigger "project" in which you apply what you have learned.  Young Women leaders and the parents of Young Women can seek to earn the award as well.  And now that I am a YW leader in addition to being a YW parent, I've decided I should actually try to do this.

So right now the virtue I am working on is Integrity.  It's something that I don't feel like I struggle with greatly, although like everyone else, I have rough spots to work through.  BUT.  We are really struggling with this character trait with some members of our family.  So, integrity was what I chose to work on first.

Let me say right now: when you go to work on something, the Lord lets you know there is always room for improvement.  Lol!  I have all kinds of starting points now.  For me, not my family.  And that's a good thing.

Two quotes about integrity really sum it up for me.  The first is from C. S. Lewis: "Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching."  And the second I read in For the Strength of Youth, (a guidebook for LDS youth): "stand for the right, even if you stand alone."

I know that in my life when I have stood up for what I believed to be true, I haven't regretted it.  I certainly don't do it every time.  But when I do it, it is right, and it strengthens me for the next time I need to stand up for the truth.

The hardest time I've ever had with following through with what I knew to be true was my choice to be baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Many of my friends and family opposed it (and still do).  I have a great deal of respect for those friends and family (and still do!), and I didn't want to go contrary to their desires for me.  And yet, I had read both the New Testament and the Book of Mormon, and I finally felt like I had come home to the church I had been looking for, the true gospel of Jesus Christ.  I had no desire to be mocked or ridiculed or looked down upon, but I could not deny what the Holy Ghost had testified to my mind and my heart.

I went forward with being baptized, joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and "enduring to the end" (to quote scripture).  It isn't always easy, but I do not regret my choice.  I think I lost some friends along the way temporarily, but we have made our ways back to each other over time, and I count them among my best friends because they showed the integrity of their hearts by caring about my decisions, and because they allowed me my integrity in following through with what I knew to be true.

It is a decision that has blessed my life in more ways than I can ever count.

Just for Laughs

Because we miss our fun Grammy and Papa....

Sam Turns 2!!

Sam turned 2, and it was so exciting.

He was with me when I bought this at the store for him.  I thought he would forget it was in the car when we got home.  And he did.  For 5 minutes.  Then he grabbed my hand and took me back to the car until I got out his John Deere dump truck.  Now two of my boys have John Deeres (Bob got a JD riding mower).  And they are both so happy about them.  Anyway, this didn't get wrapped up, nor did he receive it when he opened the rest of his presents.

 Here he is while we sang to him.  He was so happy.  And then he tried to grab the candles.  And when he went to lick the frosting off the bottom of his candle, he licked the wrong end.

Apparently, that ruined the whole thing for them, because he then wanted nothing to do with this little guy that we picked out at Publix because he WANTED him so badly.  Too bad for you, Cookie Monster; it was guilt by association.

Here is Sam adoring his Cars napkins and plates.  He gathered them all up and refused to share any of the leftovers.  We had to pry them out of his hands so he could open presents.

 It really looked like all would go well.

 The first present: cars from Grammy and Papa.  He was so excited!!

 We did convince him to open the cars Caleb and I picked out for him.

 And then he cried when he opened his own personal, Sam-sized Nerf guns so he could play with the boys.  Then he refused to open any other presents.  Because.  he. only. wanted. to. play. with. the. cars.  Period.

What a pretty line.

But the next day the other presents were okay, I guess.  And no, he doesn't PLAY the Skylanders video game.  His older sibs do.  But Sam takes great pleasure in carrying the little figures around to and fro.  So everyone was happy.

Happy birthday, little Sam!!